I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
