We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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