Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
