Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
This is my gift to your gina
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
