no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
She even gives head with a lisp.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
