I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
