Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
We are two peas in an std pod
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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