My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
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