Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
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