I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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