If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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