Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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