sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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