I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
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