My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
