i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
