You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Randomize
