Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Randomize
