Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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