dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
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