would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
im six kinds of drunk right now
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
