Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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