dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
