Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Randomize
