Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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