I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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