I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Randomize
