I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize