evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
If no ones going to say it, then I will. Vanessa Hudgens boobs are weird looking
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
