Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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