i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
