I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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