my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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