i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
