the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize