The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Randomize
