had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
We left the knife in your bed.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
