why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
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