god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
