How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Randomize
