I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
