Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize