just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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