I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
