do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
