I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Randomize
