I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Randomize
