When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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