i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
