The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Randomize