What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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