oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
