i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
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