Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Randomize
