At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I can feel your judgement through the phone
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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