I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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